A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!
Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash
Whats the count minus fat chicks?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
gave him road head on the way to his grandparents house. purposely didn't let him finish, the sexual tension over turkey was indescribable.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm sending him pics of me in my new lingerie telling him to come over and when he gets here I'll have changed into like sweats and a 5 year old shirt with ketchup stains on it
I was not drunk enough for that final.
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
Randomize
