Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I'm the only person who goes to break up a friends with benefits and comes out with a boyfriend
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
Randomize
