Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
She made me be the little spoon then she pretended to be a jet pack for an hour straight
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He leaned off the deck, puked a waterfall of beer, looked back at everyone and said "it was just a burp".
You're an asshole. I don't want your dick as my background. I'll look like I have a thumb fetish.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
so i EARNED it!?! i EARNED dying alone with cats!!?
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
