the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Randomize
