I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
I wish his dick was as long as his hair.
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
i love you man. i hope we fuck some serious shit up this summer.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
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