"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
i wish i could shrink down to the size of his dick so i could just thank it in person.
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
