there are some really hot girls on the bus. i want to lips them
I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
pretty sure mid blowjob I told him I needed to call you and ask you if this was whore-ish. He hid my phone from me.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Randomize
