His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Welp...herpes.
I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
