hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I didn't have a rubber, but my dick had a date with a clorox wipe after we finished. I think I'm in the clear.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Hindsight: Dressing up in nothing but a bra, booty shorts, and police tape made for the most awkward walk of shame of my life.
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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