I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."
It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
