College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
I just remembered we were doing butt clenching exercising with bar straws last night
After 10 years all I have gotten is one bra pic, at this point I should be able to draw your cervix from memory
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I am rewearing my dress from last night. I only wore it for like two hours before fucking. And I took it off first so no cock contact. This is my new standard of cleanliness.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
Randomize
