the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
You walked into the frat house and screamed "whose down to fuck" i think they were more intimidated than anything
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