he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I skipped class, don't know why though bc all I did in the meantime was cook pancakes and watch infomercials..my life sucks
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Know what was probably a bad idea? Using white wine as a mixer for vodka.
Man, coughing on your period is like the biggest gamble a girl can make.
He came and farted at the same time. My life is over.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
Randomize
