my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
Randomize
