this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
Yeah probably not. I have a hair appt, a gun class, and hopefully a boy to fuck. I'm booked.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Randomize
