I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
he thanks me after handjobs.
you found the perfect man.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
We need to get me chipped asap
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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