the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
I dont know how I should feel about you making a 37 year old come visit you and then making him do the walk of shame from your dorm room...through campus
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
Ooooh no. Jesus take the wheel, or Moses. SOMEBODY TAKE THE WHEEL
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
Randomize
