Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
Randomize
