we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
Neighbors just bought a new bong. Got high with them and we decided to name it "Gary colemans sweet sugarlumps" these guys are hilarious
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
Apparently I was proudly showing him the cup I barfed pizza rolls into
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
May I the honors of taking your dick tonight?
The honor would be all mine.
My fuck it list is complete! I finally got a firefighter!
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