on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
If we ever start off with margaritas for breakfast and end up naked covered in olive oil...I could think of worse ways to spend a day.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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