The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson
i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
The awkward moment your booty call shows up to the Mexican restaurant and realizes you just picked burritos over pussy
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
