Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
how do i act around someone who's shoes i puked in while naked and blackout?
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
