well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
And they're not making a turkey. My cousin was "hoping to shoot a bird this week"
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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