How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
dude this 15 year old girl saw our youtube vid and just facebook messaged me saying i was verry verry pretty. i have no schemas for how to respond to this situation.
woah 15?
i know! what is this dateline?
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
you'd be confused too if you woke up to pictures of a ghostbuster doing body shots off you.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Idk... he wears anklets.. i dont think i can get past that.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
