I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
My head feels like little people r playing bumper cars inside it
Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
Dude. Where are you? I'm making waffles in the waffle iron. It's beautiful.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
Randomize
