I don't know what you were told but i for sure didn't sleep with any one but steve's couch.
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
