Woke up this morning at my parent's house. No idea how I got here... what happened last night? Was it bad?
We using my standards or yours?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.
was it wrong to tell him he's welcome in my pants any time?
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
Goodnight Shia. Goodnight Moon.
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
