I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
You peed all over his floor and had a bottle popped in your ass when you passed out. Don't tell me I'm "still living in my college days"
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Baked out of my mind. Went in the bathroom, a daddy long leg spider and a carpenter ant are battling it out on the floor. I brought my computer with some dubstep.
OMG THE ANT WON
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