yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
Gosh, I don't even have that. Let alone someone to tie me up and whip me with Twizzlers.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
Randomize
