one more question, do you know why i woke up with 5 pounds of quarters, nickels and dimes in my pocket?
Where does it all go? I've busted inside of you like 10 times in the last week.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
