Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.
i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
i need to stop establishing animals as safe words. Giraffe and Penguin are really awkward words to say during sex
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
Best day ever, my junk is bigger than Kate Uptons boyfriends. Yay for Fappening day!
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize
