I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.
Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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