i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
So i learned you can't hair-of-a-dog jaeger hangovers.
You better of fucked him last night or do it now because he is buying all the roommates McDonald's.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
