Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
I convinced her san diego was a state. all the proof I needed was saying, why do they call it san diego state university?
Four minutes until I can fart!
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I'm petty sure you said "hold on let me make my nipples hard, they look better"
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
What should I list for life skills
How about home wrecking? You’re excellent at that
Hmm...that is a life skill in Southern California
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
