hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
this periodpocalypse needs to be over. I need head
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
