I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
