In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
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