Who haven't you slept with?
No one comes to mind.
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
So my professor just changed my Final to 7:45am on May 6th. Shouldn't a Spanish professor understand the implications of Cinco de Mayo???
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
i actually pissed myself from laughing when I saw the old man in lingerie carrying a spiderman purse. I dont know if he was real or if it was the tequila, but my head hurts.
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
The boys wrestled in the living room for the last condom while the girls chanted, "THE LAST MELON."
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
