4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
