Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.
I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
Randomize
