turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
There really should be an "avoid ghetto" option on my GPS.
Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Based on my calculations, I should be blackout by approximately 11:14pm and that's when I need you to take my phone away from me. Mkay?
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
