How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
He gets you donuts, dinner, and booze consistently, who cares if he's cheating
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I may have made out with a tranny last night, which, if I don't get fired for everything else that happened, really makes last night epic.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
My pubes were yanked out by the root when they got caught in the condom. I think it's time for a bikini wax.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I just went to add a song I had never heard before to my "high as fuck" playlist and it was already there.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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