Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
He just became a fan of Chelsea Handler on Facebook. WHY DO I ALWAYS PICK THE GAY ONE
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
I'm sorry you caught us fucking in your bathroom. If it makes you feel any better when I tried to put my pants back on I dropped them in the toilet.
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
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