watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
i just heard one Asian kid say to another, "i bet if i could get into Harvard i could get laid all the time, my brother lost his virginity the first night there."
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I'm just gonna plan on never getting a bf. everything I touch turns to gay
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
He saw my Halloween/ Costume closet and assumed I’m into cosplay. I’m going with it. What’s sexier, a cop or a nurse?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
