meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
