I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
You know were out to late when I call my hook up at 8:08pm and 8:08am in the same night.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
His last name was woodcox? That just screams I've got a great penis
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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