Christians are straight up FREAKS
he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
I have an odd instinct I wont find my underwear tonight
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
All I know is that I'm not gonna send out SOS messages via twitter for your rescue this time.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
His arresting officer when they were busting up the squat party recognized him from the anti-drone protest. He was like Jesus kid, you were sober last time.
By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
I was about to google "rabies and sexual activity." Then I realized I was at work.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Randomize
