Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
I just won 10 dollars from out chugging the bar tender and I found out that the baby aint mine in the last hour. I don't even care if l get laid tonight any more.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
He tried to tip me with his police badge...
and you didn't accept WHY?!
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I just got a text from a guy. The python is ours if we want.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
Randomize
