i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
so im watching realhousewives of jersey with my mom. she just said they werent really rich bc they were doing their own makeup.
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
He is just lying there. People are throwing money onto his chest as they walk by...
Tell Taylor to rock on. Tell her she is so beautiful that the sun shines down on her face and shows her beauty. Tell her to live on, like Martin Luther King. He'll never die. He's living his dreams.
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
What is their policy on bow ties and belligerence?
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
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