I'm sorry my penis didn't work
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
Randomize
