there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
He hasn't left the hospital without a nurse's number all year. My nurses are always ugly or men. Wtf bro
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
Last night I went to spank her while she was riding me and sack-tapped myself.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
A+ Viking dick
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
You ruined the universe
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
Randomize
