"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
They should really pass out barf bags in church
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.
This is the first time I'm hearing this information.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Randomize
